Thanks for joining me….
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Today began my Sabbatical (You can read about ‘What is a Sabbatical?’ from My first post)
By the sounds of it, a Sabbatical is wonderful; a joyful season pursued intentionally. Getting to bask in God’s presence without interruption and enjoying some refreshing fun.
However, I have found myself here, out of neccessity. I did not pursue it intentionally nor plan for it in advance. I am here, humbled and grateful that this is an option for me as I find myself completely burned out.
What is burnout? a state of chronic stress. “A pattern of emotional overload and subsequent emotional exhaustion is at the heart of the burnout syndrome. Emotional exhaustion. People feel drained and used up. They lack enough energy to face another day. Their emotional resources are depleted, and there is no source of replenishment,” Burned out people need to remember to recharge their emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries, but no two people recharge in the same way.” Maslach
For years I have been living under significant stress. If I’m being truely honest, it started in early 2011 moving into a less than 100sq ft shed with no running water, for my home.
People experience burnout differently to some degree. Here are some of the Signs/Symptoms I’m dealing with:
*Emotional exhaustion: Feeling like I have nothing left to give and become angry /irritable when people keep taking, wanting more or need me at all. Passion has faded completely, I feel numb towards others highs and lows-this grieves me, little things make me disproportionately angry.
*Mental exhaustion: Forgetfulness/impared concentration, Increasing anxiety, depression: hopeless, guilt, worthless, nearly everybody drains me-even people who normally energize me. Its hard to think clearly.
*Physical Exhaustion: Insomnia: I wake up more tired than when I went to bed (this has been for years), Chronic Fatigue (exhausted/drained/depleted/dreading each days responsibilities). Recently chest pain/weird laryngeal spasm, chronic headaches for years, severe stomach pain due to increase in advil/ibprofin for headaches (I had to quit that) as it led me to the ER. (sidenote: If you take painkillers-it can really harm the lining of your stomach), I was constantly sick every year due to a trashed immune system from stress (thankfully I take a boatload of supplements to counteract that).
*Cynicism/Detachment: Loss of interest in work related activities as well as personal (I’ve forced myself to continue doing things-but I’m not “there”. Isolation: I want to be with people less and less. A sense of feeling disconnected from others. Zero tolerance for people’s weaknesses including my own.
*Ineffetiveness/Acomplishment: imaginied ineffectiveness: I don’t feel like I’m effective or useful, though I am told otherwise.
*Sleep and time off don’t refuel me.
*I’ve lost all sense of direction, passion, desire to serve/love others
I’m humbled that I find myself in this position, that I’ve had to admit-I’m not ok and I can’t go on in this state. I know God is gracious and he will meet me even here. It has been sort of abrupt…becuase when you reach the end of your rope, there’s not much you can do anymore.
When I first discussed taking a Sabbatical back in October, I had no idea what that meant or what it would look like. I knew I really needed heart healing from some deep rooted pain in my life, and that I felt completely exhausted (emotionally,mentally, spiritually) but I couldn’t see the full picture yet. And I still cannot. But Talking with wise people God’s put in my life, each month, week, day It got closer the more I was learning and realizing just how much I needed to fully disconnect from everything and nearly everyone. I thought I could still disciple one of my gals, host family dinner and help mike as needed. I thought I could take mission trips with my long time gal friends and perhaps work on the side to make some extra income. I thought being on social media would be fine. But none of those things are truely REST, that is just removing one thing and replacing with something else…which would keep me in a perpetual state of burnout.
Within the last few days, I’ve been shown and humbled yet again, that all of it must go…for a season, to truely recover from burnout.
I appologize for my constantly changing answers, plans, vision and to those of you I may have hurt in the process. I’m in no state to make wise decisions at this moment, nor plan much of anything-I’m at the complete end of my rope. So I may not have communicated perfectly, and truely had no idea what this all meant back when it all began rolling into motion.
Thank you for your grace and understanding! Here we go….
RachelWall 