I’ve been bogged down in the SERIOUS, time to let the inner kid out.
I woke up to a text saying all schools were cancelled,even Fort Lewis, basicly town was shut down. OOOOO this means, lots of snow! I opened my black out curtains to a lovely winter landscape. Heavy, wet snow.
That meant starting the day off building snowmen. I built my “typical Rachel” snowman, with the yellow shades. As I was rumaging through my scarf/hat basket looking for a scarf..I ran accross my moose hat! Ah, moose hat and a red scarf would be ADORABLE…..a second snowman Morty was created. It stayed around 39 most of the day, so much time was spent re-sticking body parts, mostly noses and buttons.
*Snap* *Snap* *Snap*, I think I captured their personalities, now it was time to warm up and dry out my gloves. Earlier in the week I had opened pumpkin for kitty, so I might as well use it up. Google which never leads me astray recommended this pumpkin muffin recipie…so I gave that a try (yum, by the way). While that was in the oven I made myself the most over the top hot chocolate, with whipcream and sprinkles. No, it was not the whipcream and sprinkles that made it “over the top”(It’s the only way to drink any hot drink). It was this chocolate walrus my mom sent me I tried adding ontop of the whip cream. Unfortunately he was a touch heavy and sank right to the bottom.
Then I took a mid-day, adult break. Had to get stuff done. (Snow removal, bank, the city dump, making calls for bills-etc)
Back to kid mode. That meant throwing a batch of cookies in the oven and getting my night sledding on! This time with a big inflatible reindeer, headlamp and a sweet bobsled louge style run. Its just to the side of our house, but the top is steep so you pick up speed and go a long ways!
**Night sledding mountain roads is my top favorite type of sledding. You pick up good speed but mostly just get to sled a really long ways, there’s no snow being sprayed in your face, its typically not just straight, but winding. Walking back up is not the best part, but you go FOREVER and its so fun! Flying through the crisp night, just the sound of your sled gliding over the icey road.
Our neighbhorhood louge run, was a close second to road sledding. My hoobie was just finishing up his night run and joined me for a few runs, deciding it was quite fun. I can’t wait to go back again, tomorrow night!
I’m back inside for the night, listening to some upbeat music. It keeps my spirits lifted, upbeat, in a playful mood. I’m feeling refreshed!
These past 13 days have been incredibly beautiful and hard, It feels like months have been lived in this short span of time. I think thats what happens when we disconnect from our fast paced,loud lives and exchange it for slow, hidden days with our Creator. Just listening to his voice. Responding to him.
From God exposing my heart; breaking me, exposing myself to those I need to, to knowing his love in a deeper way, to expressing myself with art (calligraphy/watercolor/line drawing). I’ve had lots and lots of quiet margin, prayer time, singing, playing guitar, getting outside, starting and finishing 2 books, joy in just BEING in the word with my savior-no agenda but to KNOW him and grow in appreciation for him. Cooking healthy meals, Laugther, and being fully present with my husband and playing with kitty.
I’m slowly just beginning to heal from burn out. I’m starting to see more who I am, my weaknesses, strengths, area’s of sin, what I need in my life to stay close to the Lord, changes my future will need, what drains me, who/what causes me joy and why,etc.
I’ve cut things out of my life, I’ve been living more in the light, in my marriage already.
I’ve finally decided to seek help for issues in my life that hold me back, negatively affecting relationships, my ability or inabilty to help others and even my own walk with the Lord. Others have kindly pointed these issues out to me over the years, which I don’t respond well to, because no one has offered useful help. I appreciate people pointing distructive things out, but most of the ways people have tried to help with is “behavior management” instead of getting to the heart of the problem. Like: deep insecurity, inability to have secure attachments, hiding, low view of self, chameleon to the point of loss/confusion of my personality, inability to fully grieve, inability to recieve criticism, fear of many different people, guarded, I don’t allow myself to feel normal emotions to normal situations, perfectionism, its hard to accept that I’m broken/sinful/I hurt others, sense that I have no say in my life, etc.
I had an online consult with a counselor in England, who will help me walk through this, via skype. I’m thankful God guided me to this woman who can biblically help me get to the roots of issues, the heart of it. Not just doing things that make me appear better when my heart is still not ok.
Though the current grief infront of me is infertility, my inability to cope and grieve it properly, stems back to deeper issues of dealing with constant significant loss in childhood and not learning to grieve that. I learned to stuff it and detach, to pretend like I don’t care and convince myself I don’t care.
That has “worked” up to this point, because my losses have been one time things, or similar types of losses but different circumstances, that i can detach from.
But dealing with infertility is something that is in your face, every single month. And anyone who has tried for a child knows its actually more than just one week out of the month. You have the one week of hope, this is the window. Then 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, agonizing, convincing yourself, trying not to get excited yet dreaming about this child and life with them, will this be it. followed by: devasation, disapointment,hopelessness or indifference and detachement….which typically is what happens that week. You either become hopeful for the next month OR feel detached/numb like it doesn’t matter. Oh and some times, you actually are thankful because you are currently enjoying the life you have and the joys in it. You are in this perpetual cycle, almost non stop. Month after month, year after year.
I do not see this cycle changing, as there is no medical reason we cannot have children. I was angry for a while, thinking how can I live in this “between” place forever, emotions constantly up and down….it feels unfair. (hense needing to learn to grieve, well)
I used to pray that God would remove my desires, so it wouldn’t be painful, constantly. However, even years ago in the earlier stages I saw the goodness in it. Even within the first few months, I saw how much of Himself he was giving me. how in times when I’ve wept the deepest, cried myself to sleep, felt my heart physically hurt, hidden in the darkness of night beneath my covers, no way to soothe the pain-he was there, offering me himself. Ultimately I know this is what I’m looking for, more of my Savior.
On the other hand, I’ve told him, I’m afraid of losing this deep pain, because I don’t want to lose the intimacy I have with him. The state of dependency it puts me in. I can thank him in the deepest pain, because I get HIM.
Lately though, I’ve been in a season in my grief of being stuck in Anger, bitterness. I can’t see the goodness in this, I have doubted God’s goodness, The envy/jealousy of those who seem to get what they want, brings up evil thoughts in my heart towards them.
This whole season has helped me see… i do not handle grief well. I often don’t let myself “feel”. Or I feel crazy because my feelings can be so all over the place from anger to truely being grateful and liking the closeness I feel with Jesus. It makes you wonder if you are infact crazy, but I’ve come to find out…its all part of grief. You can go through all the stages in one day, you can get stuck in one or another for a while.
Right now I’m in a place that I know and believe the best there is….is knowing Jesus and being one with him and there’s nothing getting in the way of that. I have all access and its amazing! Truely fullness of Joy.
But I’m not blinded to the reality that it it will come again, where I am devastated, angry, bitter, feeling hopeless.
This post may feel scatter brained, but things have been all over the place these past couple of weeks. It has been a very powerful 2 weeks. I’m not sure why I’m always in such a hurry in my regular life. Slowing down and hearing his voice clearly day after day, there’s nothing better.
Where are you in your journey? Do you intentionally seek enough quiet to hear him speak?
I thought I would share what i’ve read in my Sabbatical Guide, because it is beneficial to any believer in Christ.
“Work has its highest value when its interspered with rest. The rythm of rest and work gives sustainable energy, perspective, and joy.
We’re made to live and to work while continually in and relying on God. Let us, therefore make every effort to enter that rest (Hebrews 4:9-11)
Sabbath is ultimately a state of being or lifestyle in which we find our enjoyment and empowerment in God.
We live by the Spirit and we keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25)
We Practice God’s presence, learning to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
We Dwell in the kingdom of righteousness, peace, and joy (Romans 14:17)
We find that it’s ” In God we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28)
The curse of the Fall is not the need to work, but working in self-reliance. Adam and Eve worked. Work is a gift from God and part of the original plan for human beings.
Jesus is our Sabbath Rest.
The “work” Jesus did on the Sabbath was to respond with compassion to people in need and to minister God’s word and healing to them. Jesus always acted in concert with what the Father was doing. He invites us to come to him and join the “father and Son intimacies and knowledge.” He Calls this his “easy yoke” that features rythms of grace. -Matthew 11:27,30
Your Sabbatical can be a time of soul training that helps you learn how to truly rest and to make progress in becoming the king of person who is able to be at peace in the midst of stress. “Matthew 11:25-30
**This is all taken from Soul Shepherding’s Sabbatical guide by Bill Gaultiere
I woke up to my alarm clock at 9:30a.m., groggy and said goodbye to my sweet husband, who is on his way to a week long conference.
I did not sleep well last night, so my energy stores for the day were minimal. That is ok. I’m giving myself permission to take it slow these first few weeks. It has been years since I’ve slept well.
I played some guitar, focusing on a favorite of mine,”Glorious Ruins”. I played until the indentations in my fingers no longer allowed for the strings to be pressed down. It will take a while to build up my callouses again. However, I’m not hurried, nor feeling rushed to enjoy something, because January’s calendar is blank, on purpose.
I played with my kitty, with a feather toy she’s obssessed with. If it were not for the 2 feet of snow blanketing her playground, she would be out catching birds, and other small creatures. For now she’s content swatting, licking, pounching on her “fake bird”.
The evening ended with meditating on Psalm 23. What does it mean for my day to day life, that He is my Shepherd? I pulled out my thin tip pens and watercolors to test my hand at an artistic form I once was familiar with. Back in high school I was mentored by a dear lady who loved Jesus and calligraphy. She took in 7 of us gals to read the word and practice calligraphy. I cannot say I ever mastered it, but with repetition and frequent practice I could make my way around different lettering styles.
Its time for some sleepy time tea and a hot bath to wind down for the night. I’m hoping to establish bedtime rhythms, for more restorative sleep. Do you have a bedtime routine? Is there anything you couldn’t do without before heading to bed?
Take a listen to “Glorious Ruins”: …Let the ruins come to life, in the beauty of your name, rising up from the ashes, God forever you reign. My soul will find refuge in the shadow of your wings….
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Today began my Sabbatical (You can read about ‘What is a Sabbatical?’ from My first post)
By the sounds of it, a Sabbatical is wonderful; a joyful season pursued intentionally. Getting to bask in God’s presence without interruption and enjoying some refreshing fun.
However, I have found myself here, out of neccessity. I did not pursue it intentionally nor plan for it in advance. I am here, humbled and grateful that this is an option for me as I find myself completely burned out.
What is burnout? a state of chronic stress. “A pattern of emotional overload and subsequent emotional exhaustion is at the heart of the burnout syndrome. Emotional exhaustion. People feel drained and used up. They lack enough energy to face another day. Their emotional resources are depleted, and there is no source of replenishment,” Burned out people need to remember to recharge their emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries, but no two people recharge in the same way.” Maslach
For years I have been living under significant stress. If I’m being truely honest, it started in early 2011 moving into a less than 100sq ft shed with no running water, for my home.
People experience burnout differently to some degree. Here are some of the Signs/Symptoms I’m dealing with:
*Emotional exhaustion: Feeling like I have nothing left to give and become angry /irritable when people keep taking, wanting more or need me at all. Passion has faded completely, I feel numb towards others highs and lows-this grieves me, little things make me disproportionately angry.
*Mental exhaustion: Forgetfulness/impared concentration, Increasing anxiety, depression: hopeless, guilt, worthless, nearly everybody drains me-even people who normally energize me. Its hard to think clearly.
*Physical Exhaustion: Insomnia: I wake up more tired than when I went to bed (this has been for years), Chronic Fatigue (exhausted/drained/depleted/dreading each days responsibilities). Recently chest pain/weird laryngeal spasm, chronic headaches for years, severe stomach pain due to increase in advil/ibprofin for headaches (I had to quit that) as it led me to the ER. (sidenote: If you take painkillers-it can really harm the lining of your stomach), I was constantly sick every year due to a trashed immune system from stress (thankfully I take a boatload of supplements to counteract that).
*Cynicism/Detachment: Loss of interest in work related activities as well as personal (I’ve forced myself to continue doing things-but I’m not “there”. Isolation: I want to be with people less and less. A sense of feeling disconnected from others. Zero tolerance for people’s weaknesses including my own.
*Ineffetiveness/Acomplishment: imaginied ineffectiveness: I don’t feel like I’m effective or useful, though I am told otherwise.
*Sleep and time off don’t refuel me.
*I’ve lost all sense of direction, passion, desire to serve/love others
I’m humbled that I find myself in this position, that I’ve had to admit-I’m not ok and I can’t go on in this state. I know God is gracious and he will meet me even here. It has been sort of abrupt…becuase when you reach the end of your rope, there’s not much you can do anymore.
When I first discussed taking a Sabbatical back in October, I had no idea what that meant or what it would look like. I knew I really needed heart healing from some deep rooted pain in my life, and that I felt completely exhausted (emotionally,mentally, spiritually) but I couldn’t see the full picture yet. And I still cannot. But Talking with wise people God’s put in my life, each month, week, day It got closer the more I was learning and realizing just how much I needed to fully disconnect from everything and nearly everyone. I thought I could still disciple one of my gals, host family dinner and help mike as needed. I thought I could take mission trips with my long time gal friends and perhaps work on the side to make some extra income. I thought being on social media would be fine. But none of those things are truely REST, that is just removing one thing and replacing with something else…which would keep me in a perpetual state of burnout.
Within the last few days, I’ve been shown and humbled yet again, that all of it must go…for a season, to truely recover from burnout.
I appologize for my constantly changing answers, plans, vision and to those of you I may have hurt in the process. I’m in no state to make wise decisions at this moment, nor plan much of anything-I’m at the complete end of my rope. So I may not have communicated perfectly, and truely had no idea what this all meant back when it all began rolling into motion.
Thank you for your grace and understanding! Here we go….
At its basic core, a sabbatical is a season of prolonged rest.
“We’re putting the words of Psalm 23 to the test. “The Lord is my shepherd,” we say with David. “I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.”Ahh! There it is! He restores my soul. This soul restoration comes as we submit to the Lord as our Shepherd, lying down and being still in his presence.”- Soul Sheppharding
“Spending time away resting in God’s lovingkindness — “relaxing and rejoicing in the presence of the risen Christ.”
It means stepping away compltely from your work/ministry setting, to just BE.
“Those in Full time ministry need to be taken out of the circulation for a sufficiently long enough time to re-vision and re-structure their lives in communion with Jesus and his kingdom.”
“Of course, people in other jobs work extremely hard and have great stress too. But if doctors, attorneys, police officers, CPA’s, or teachers get divorced they usually don’t lose their jobs! If their spiritual life grows stale probably no one worries about it. If they struggle with pornography, alcohol abuse, marital issues, infertility or other emotional problems it’s usually no problem for their work life, or if it gets in the way then once they get help they can go right back to work.”
All “quotations areas” are taken from Soul Shepherding
As an accountant assistant, I was able to get my work done, no matter how my heart was doing. It didn’t matter if I was grieving infertility that day, I could go sit in my cubicle and type numbers into a spread sheet. If I hadn’t spent time with the Lord in a week, it did not interfere with my ability to crunch numbers. When I landscaped, I could cut grass just as easily if I had a big arguement with my room mate right beforehand, that left me fuming.
But when your job/task every day is leading people closer to Jesus our spiritual, mental, emotional, physical health affects our ability or inability to do so. I can’t go into meeting someone after having unresolved conflict with my spouse and anger lingering in my heart without it affecting that meeting. When grief cuts me deeply for 5yrs and wears me thin, I question Gods goodness and at times it feels impossible to tell others how Good and trustworthy He is, when I’m doubting it. It stunts my desire to tell people about Jesus, because I’m aware that I’m currently not believing what I’m hoping they will.
If you find yourself in full time ministry (pastor, full time missionionary,etc), are you filling every moment of your life with DOING’s? Being depleted? Or is your heart close to Jesus, walking in step with him and out of that overflow-you love,serve, help-those he shows you.
How close is your heart to the one you are doing things for?
RachelWall 